terminate or be terminated...

wow! its been almost 2 months since my last update, dang!! dint knew time just flew by so fast.. just yet another time to have my rants and grunts about life ohh.. life... how sick would u get? well.. its been pretty much sucky lately..

firstly i still cant find my motivation\determination to go work and this has been ongoing for a year now (yeap lucky i aint got my arse kicked out yet)... still really cant find the path that i want to take yet, dont know what to do, seems to be aimless wandering around in a circle with everything i do.

secondly, knowing that things has been pretty bad with the company, knowing the financial situation thats going on there, it seems life you've sold your soul to the company and they never appreciate every single effort of it (well, that may be one of the reasons i just dont feel like going to work), dumbfark CEO whos been shagging a hunchback for all this while is still doing it and yet proclaiming himself as a good christian (no offence but if you know the things he do, u'll have to agree with me).

what do you do when your not being appreciated? what do you do? look for a new job and hope things would be better there? things just keep spinning and spinning in my mind, whats next? whats next? and whats next?

i've taken my first step into getting my pro certifications, what are the rest of the steps i need to take? trying to work out step by step as i'm running out of time and resources to do it. need to take desparate measures to ensure that things are smooth sailing. yet i still wonder, how can a leader within the company be so soft? how is he going to lead a team of ppl who has dedicated their time and effort dying for the company. well, maybe i'm not in his shoes and i dont know whats up his sleeves, but i just hope things would be ironed out soon.

thirdly, 2007 is coming to a close, family members are asking me the big question, when is my turn? well, for now i cant really tell when is my turn although the question itself has been running wild in my head for a while now. just that i have too many things bothering me at the moment. well, if things goes well, i should have a time frame, and also a decision on how will things go with my life, its time to take things into my own hands now, i've been letting it go drifting for way too long.

well, thats just the quick update i got. yeap... merry xmas and a happy new year... :P :P have fun have fun...

updato...

yeap, its been a while since i last posted, my bad my bad... things have been pretty much sucky lately. dont know why... haih... well, here is a quick update on where things are at with my crappy life.. LOL.



well, i stopped updating when i was about to leave for dubai. and guess what, it wasnt that bad at all. since i'm updating this page, that means i aint dead yet.. hehe...



well, short summary about my dubai trip.

its blardy hot in summer, the food there is expensive, the country is OPEN, yeap. we dont see that many cleavages in KL. and man, their huge.. hehe... and not many of them were in the traditional veils, so i get to see lotsa hot middle eastern chiqs... :) :) too bad dint go to the beach, else i see naked chiqs... hehe



all cigarretts there are pretty much imported (and their dunhill sucks). got a job offer there which is still running wild in my mind on whether should i take the oppotunity to go over there and expand my horizon? or should i stay here in KL and do the normal routine that i have been doing always.

so thats it for dubai, just another chapter of my life in august 2007. we'll move forward to september 2007.

its been a sucky month in 2007.. having restless nights trying to get some sleep, my work performance is going down the drain, having alot of weird thoughts going through my mind, seriously, i think i need to see a shrink to get all this f@@ked up things going through me now. been wondering about it, what is it that is causing me to loose sleep? what is it that i'm starting to worry about in life? what is it that i'm trying to seek? what is it that i really want for myself? and most importantly, what am i willing to sacrifice or am i willing to sacrifice to be better?

work related stress? life crisis? future planning? what is it that is actually going through me right now... as i aimlessly think about it, day after day, hour after hour, minutes after minutes, seconds after seconds... time flies away as it doesnt wait for anyone. i keep thinking, what is it that i'm doing wrong, what is it that i need to improve. til this day i've yet to find the answer to all this questions...

also in september, i went to the tech-ed convention at KLCC, boy it was a total dissapointment actually, nothing new this year as compared to last year, and hell yeah steve riley still rocks..!! respect that man, his got his own style of presenting, his got his own way of capturing the crowd, i'll always be back to tech-ed just to see him present.
4 days of listening to microsoft products, well atleast it gives me some expectation of whats new to look forward to for next year.
took a challenge for myself, by registering for the MCP exams, yea yeah...some of you guys have got that piece of paper and passed it already... i know i know.. but for me, a person who hates to study, a person who's being damn lazy lately... i dont think i'm ready for it. however if it needs to be done, lets just get it done. challenge myself to see whether do i still have that fighting spirit within me anymore... trying to find the old fire that burns within that pushes me to strive forward to beat all the obstacles that i've came across.

anyway... also in september it ws my baby's birthday, so got new a few new toy(gadgets ok? dont simply think ya) firstly got her a nintendo DS, she's been poison by it since Mr.Penman showed his DS to her, so manage to get her a Pink one (and yeap, exact same colour as Linda's.. hehe.. sorry linda, pink is the in colour lately). and also got her a new dopod838pro, since i cant wait for the HTC Tytn II. so get her a 838pro first lah, then i'll go get the TytnII for myself.. hehe.. selfish? nolah... not at all, better i become white rat than her ma right? see i so nice.. hahaha.. (LAME)

so thats about it for september.. and.. finally at present time... october 2007.
knowing that my MCP exams is nearing, i'm still taking my own sweet time to prepare myself for it, i really think the old fire within my has died off, i'm getting OLD.. OMFG... just dont know why and dont know how can i revive that spirit again.. bahh!! hope it will come when i need it the most.. (naruto.. Kyuubi?) it seems that the year is coming to an end very soon, 2 months more to go.. sure damn fast one.. raya holidays are coming up.. was thinking of spending my time RCing, too bad the rcplanet track is closed during raya, so dont know what am i gonna do during the holidays, hopefully something fruitful will popup suddenly... who knows i might travel up north have my kangkung and come back.. hahaa or go down to south to meet JayZlyn and come back up... well.. endless possibilities... endless... just endless....

i'm sitting here at 4am still composing this blog, with a 10am appointment coming up, should i go sleep? should i stay up all night and just listen to music? well.. i dont know.. i seem very much confused.. i'm tired, fatigue is killing me, work related stress is burning all my passion for work... and i'm still in the "NAUSAT" mode since june this year, its been 5 freaking months and i still havent recover from it yet. wtf am i doing.. urgg!!!

been listening to these few songs lately and it seems to be bringing me back into time where i used to listen to these songs when i needed to look for answers...

Manbai - Kau Ilham Ku
Five For Fighting - Superman

well, i think thats all for now as my brain is not functioning properly now.. hahaha.. too tired.. want to relax liao.

dubai draws nearer.....

hrmm... seconds after seconds, minutes after minutes, hour after hour... the time to take off to dubai draws closer and closer... the anxiety, the fear of flying, the curiousity of visiting a new place.. all this mixed feelings is running wild in my mind... yeah yeah.. it might be a small deal to some of u guys out there, but for me.. first time leaving the country alone.. without anyone close beside me.. what can i do? heck i dont know... just wanna go there and get things done and come back.. thats all i wanna do..

cant wait to take off.. cant wait to come back... well.. i asked for it.. so i gotto be responsible for it. just do it.. dont look back.

Han says, “Life is simple, you make choices and don’t look back.”

this should be an eye opening event for me, after 4 years of working within malaysia, i finally get to go overseas for work. happy as i am, sad to leave my love ones behind for a week. so whats running in my mind now? i have no idea.. its just weird... pusing sini pusing sana.. ahhdui... how now brown cow...

Page 9534 Of My life... bahh...

yeap.. been on earth for almost 9534 days... wow!! amazing... cant believe it... has it been that long? hrmm...

well lets start crapping... guess i'm very sure i'm flying off to dubai now, just waiting for the confirmation on tickets of when i'm leaving and when i'm coming back.. yeehaa.. lets see.. dirham currency wise, its almost da same as m'sia .. gosh lucky thing aint it. so hopefully the cash that i'm bringing over there should be enough to cover my expenses. keeping my fingers crossed on this. what else.. hrmm.. well.. for now thats all lor.. i'm still pretty much worried about flying there, still cant think of what i should do in the plane.. other then sleep and PUKE.

was thinking of getting some extra memory sticks so i can bring more games along with me for my psp. but the one drawback is.. battery... the stock one wont event last for 6 hours... goshh!! so.. what can i do? well.. just sit back and relax... i'll figure it out when i'm on the plane... as the usual method.. "chap sang lah"

the girl that called me from TAK earlier (forgot whats her name tho.. haha) scared me abit when she mentioned that, you'll be flying out as early as today, so standby to pack your things... wow!! thats scary aint it... not even ready yet already want me to fly out liao.. wahh liao eh... gimme sometime to settle settle abit ma... i wish i can fly out either on friday or saturday.. atleast can go trackday before i fly off.. haha... "REMOTE MADDNESS" i'm going crazy.. crazy.... very crazy... almost to the extend of insane.

work pressure has been getting on my nerves lately.. so hopefully my trip to dubai can help me clear my thoughts..

GAMBATE!!!! ......

To Go or Not To GO?? that is the ultimate question.

hey hey hey... its yet anothing day, another new page in life. so whats about today?

well, firstly was oversleeping today and missed the appointment that i've set with ToiToi. made it to office about 1.30pm (hrmm.. almost like its my dad's company aint it? heh.. how i wish it was) was in the office having some chitchats between the guys.. when my MD called me in to have a quick chat, seems like his pretty concerned over my team's current status of being so demotivated after accidentally reading an email which is suppose to be P&C between the CEO and the secretary.

he needs my help to keep the whole team together and have them working happily here, therefore he needs my help to weed out all the feedbacks which i can get from them, and see how we can improve things. and ofcoz he did mention of trying to get an increment for them.. i wish i'm included as well.. hahaha... keeping my fingers crossed over that part.

after that drama, went out to get a load balancer hardware, so met up with toitoi for a quick drink and see how were things with her. seems like she has her own problems as well, still deciding whether to move or not. i dint say much as i have my own issues to settle. well, here's a piece of advice of my the old bags always say, you never try you'l never know. u wont loose anything at all, as u'll gain knowledge from there. so there you have it ToiToi. go for it, things wont be as bad as it is whether your here or there. work is work. goals can be set and bend. so.. why worry. if you set to achive your goal, and i know your ultimate goal is to chase your dream. i on the other hand, do not have a dream to chase anymore, the dream has come and gone, now my goal, is to get life stable and marry my baby, thats all.. hah..simple minded man i am... (yea yea... life is never this simple aint it...)

well, after all that.. went off to HPC, work on my car.. had it fixed.. damn happy... bought some extra blings for it. :) yeah yeah... blings blings = money well spent.. hahaha.... damn i'm ahbeng... wanna beng my ride ma...

well, spoken to MsTan about the dubai trip, and she says she'll talk to her boss and see how things goes, if it all goes well, i'm on my way to dubai... yeeehaaa.... dubai dubai here i come... wait... wait... hold my horses... but i'm scared of flying one wor.. how ah? 6 to 8 hours in a plane, with my balls 30k feet up in the air.. urgg!! can i overcome this? can i overcome my fear? can i be a man and do it right? hrmmm..... fear is something scary...

so lets see if its confirmed, if it is. so just do it.. just like NIKE. or.. my fav phrase "life is like a dick, when its hard. just fuck it." so just go oni lah, wont die one.. if really die.. means fate lor... correct or not? god creates and takes life. so why bother think so much.

3 days in dubai... flight and accomodation included. just that food and transportation is not... i wonder how much will it cost? hrmmm...

well.. thats about it today... and something just went through my mind... will i meet all this great ppl that i've met in the next life? will i meet baby and lieb? hmm.... point to wonder... and sometimes i also wonder.. who is it out there that misses me... when i wont be around...

DEMOTIVATED.!! there is no difference in a family where you and the rest are not appreciated by father.

here i am yet again, this time.. after somany years, it finally came to a point i should just sit down, clear my mind and think of it clearly...

with all the shit that has been going on for all these years within my second family. i seriously need to think whether is there still a future being there. for the family.. for the ones that we have looked after each other all of these years.

why cant GrumpyBastard understand all the hardships that all of us has been through? why does he still take everything that we have worked so hard for away from us? what the hell is he thinking? what kinda fat farked up grumpy martha focker is he..? gosh i wish sometimes i can just tell it right in his god damn farken face about this. why should i hold back? worse comes to worse is i'll loose my place within the family. does it matter? will it make a difference? how can i help the rest of them? what else do i need to do to keep this family together?

all because of 1 stupid old fat bastard... everything is screwed. haih.... he who never realises that all his wealth is coming from the poor people that are using up their precious life, precious time, precious efforts to make thing come through. and all the bastard have to do is to spoil it. to topple of the pillars that holds this united family.

its been a demotivating time for all of my brothers and sisters. we who know that is happening is truely saddened all of us. i think its just a matter of time before the family spits, all our dreams gone, all out hopes wasted. all the efforts becomes dust...

only wish right now, i wan this family to be one. as we were, all for one and one for all. united we stand. divided we fall.

GrumpyBastard, i hope you will realise one day, when the family is gone, your are as broke as a fucking homeless man beside the street. without at place to turn to, you only place you can go.. is Six Feet Down Under.

*words of a very pissed family member*

back to work.. back to crap...

yea yea.. its monday all over again, dint do much during the weekend other than hanging out at HPC trying to complete my car setups, and yeah got a new bodyshell to play around with... thats about it, it was a perfect weather yesterday as it was sunny clear skies... too bad i was still getting my bodyshell done, so dint do any racing\practice at all.

that was my weekend. and well.. coming back to present state, its monday... woke up with an intention of not going to work, however what can i do? hangout at HPC again? nahh!! better not waste anymore time there.. there is things that needs to be done and there is stuff that i need to do. so lets do it once and for all, get all the crap done and over with.

well.. what do i need to do today? hrmm.... still thinking... still figuring out... still wondering...
i think i've been infected with remote madness already now.